I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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