smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
