He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it was like eating out sand paper
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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