I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
