i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
