she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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