Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
