I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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