1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Operation Purity has been aborted
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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