The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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