and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
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