im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
