3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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