Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
