So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
