I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
