I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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