Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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