I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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