Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
