What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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