FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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