I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
