I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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