kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
