Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
