Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
