if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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