If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
