So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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