Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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