youre lurking in front of me
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
