First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
