that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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