Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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