Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
