Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
