he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
