I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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