there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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