oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
