the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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