dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
