I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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