Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You've changed since you got that strap on
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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