The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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