What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
