Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
