Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
