I feel like I'm in dance class right now
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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