we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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