I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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