How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
